Subject: [Gen-art] review of draft-ietf-softwire-mesh-framework-05.txt

From: Francis Dupont <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:49:27 +0100

I have been selected as the General Area Review Team (Gen-ART) 
reviewer for this draft (for background on Gen-ART, please see 
http://www.alvestrand.no/ietf/gen/art/gen-art-FAQ.html). 

Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments 
you may receive. 

Document: draft-ietf-softwire-mesh-framework-05.txt
Reviewer: Francis Dupont
Review Date: 2008-12-15
IETF LC End Date: 2008-12-15
IESG Telechat date: unknown
Summary: Almost Ready
Comments: the document is very unpleasant to read and have some editorial
nits:
 - page 1: too many authors (proposal: keep editor(s) and add a section
  with the full list of authors. It is a common problem so the solution
  should be well known)
 - Abstract page 2: too long
 - Abstract page 2: the position of softwire mesh vs general overlay is
  not explained (but as the Abstract is already too long...)
 - 3.1 page 8: figure 1 has some nits (just fix them or warn the RFC
  editor)
 - 3.2 page 10: same for figure 2 with more nits
 - 5 page 13: in the E-IP family, and -> in the E-IP family,
  (i.e., keep only the last "and")
 - 5 page 14: i.e. -> i.e.,
 - 7 page 16: core, send the packet -> core, then send the packet
 - 10.1 page 18: the [RFC4378] -> [RFC4378]
 - 10.1 page 19: trade offs -> trade-offs ?
 - 10.1 page 19: verses -> versus
 - 11.1 page 20: unbounded -> unbound ?
 - 11.2 page 23: Lan-Like -> LAN-Like (or LAN-like)
 - 14.1 page 24: playback -> replay
 - 14.3 page 28: (the only technical issue) there is no more a "main mode"
 in IKEv2. BTW the text seems to mandate preshared keys when IMHO it
 requires only automatical SA establishment (better than key distribution).
 - Authors' page 30: too many authors

Regards

[email-masked]

PS: about the too many authors issue,
http://www.rfc-editor.org/rfc-editor/instructions2authors.txt
section 1.12 is about the policy
_______________________________________________
Gen-art mailing list
[email-masked]
https://www.ietf.org/mailman/listinfo/gen-art

---

From: Eric Rosen <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2008 13:53:41 -0500

> the document is very unpleasant to read

That would have to be regarded as a comment which is not actionable ;-)

> too many authors

We  intend to  leave the  set of  authors as  is, and  intend to  remove the
notation "(editor)".  In my opinion, this  is not an appropriate topic to be
mentioned by a gen-art reviewer.

> some editorial nits:

Will fix.

> (the only technical issue) there is no more a "main mode" in IKEv2. BTW
> the text seems to mandate preshared keys when IMHO it requires only
> automatical SA establishment (better than key distribution).

There have  been a couple of security  reviews, and this issue  did not come
up, so I'm not sure what to make of this comment.

---

From: Francis Dupont <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 2008 00:01:37 +0100

=> if you find a magical way to improve the wording it should be very great
(as a not native English writer I understand the issue but the first
intent of a RFC is to be read...).

   
=> this was not directed against you but:
 - automatic checking tools will complain
 - it is an IESG policy and I am afraid the IESG enforces its policies.
BTW a gen-art review is only an independent review so the IESG does what
it'd like with it, including ignore or overrule.

   > automatical SA establishment (better than key distribution).
   
   There have  been a couple of security  reviews, and this issue  did not
   come up,

=> this just proves another review is always a good thing (:-).

   so I'm not sure what to make of this comment.

=> for the main mode you should remove it. cf RFC 4306, Appendix A, 2:
   2) To simplify IKE by replacing the eight different initial exchanges
   with a single four-message exchange
For the second part, if the "with the preshared keys" came with
the "in main mode" the best and simplest is to remove the end of
the sentence, i.e.:
means of IKEv2 [RFC4306], operating in main mode with preshared keys.
->
means of IKEv2 [RFC4306].

Regards

---

From: Eric Rosen <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:34:26 -0500

> if the "with the preshared keys" came with the "in main mode" the best and
> simplest is to remove the end of the sentence, i.e.: 

Okay, I will make this change.