Subject: [Gen-art] Gen-ART Last Call review of draft-ietf-avtcore-monarch-17

From: Meral Shirazipour <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2012 22:02:23 -0400

I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at <http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq> .

Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments you may receive.

Document: draft-ietf-avtcore-monarch-17
Reviewer: Meral Shirazipour
Review Date: 2012-07-31
IETF LC End Date: 2012-08-02
IESG Telechat date: 2012-08-16

Summary:
This draft is almost ready to be published as Informational RFC but I have some comments.

Nits/editorial comments:

-[Page 5], in the definition of "Transport level metrics", suggestion: please clarify "packet delay variation", as done in Section 6.
 ex.: "packet delay variation" ----->"packet delay variation (PDV) which could be jitter or another metric". 

-[Page 5],in the definition of "Application level metrics", "end-to-end" ---->"end to end"  (Note: the rest of the document uses end to end).

-[Page 5],in the definition of "Application level metrics", typo: "ususally"---->"usually"

-[Page 7], Section 3, "SIP", first occurrence of the word. Suggestion: please spell out "Session Initiation Protocol (SIP)"

-[Page 7], Section 3.1, suggestion: "shown below"----->"described below", since Figure 1 is on another page, "describe below" is more suitable than "shown".

-[Page 7], Section 3.1, right after two bullets, suggestion: "RTP Monitor"----->"RTP monitor", since monitor is small caps throughout the rest of the document.

-[Page 8], 5 line before last, "see figure 1"---->"see Figure 1"

-[Page 9], Section 3.2 first line, "shown in the Figure 1"---->"shown in Figure 1"

-[Page 9], Section 3.2 line 2, and line 1 of second paragraph, suggestion: "end-systems"---->"end systems", for consistency with the rest of the document.

-[Page 9], Section 3.2 3rd paragraph, "MCUs", first occurrence of the word. Suggestion: please spell out "Multipoint Control Units (MCUs)".

-[Page 9], Section 3.2 3rd paragraph, "SSRC", first occurrence of the word. Suggestion: please spell out "Synchronization source (SSRC)";
then [Page 10],"Synchronization source (SSRC)" does not need to be spelled out a second time.

-[Page 9], last paragraph, 2nd sentence, something is missing before the last phrase: "..., application level metrics that are reported via some network management application". 
Suggestion, add "like":  "..., like application level metrics that are reported via some network management application"

-[Page 10], Section 4.2, typo: "timly"---->"timely"

-[Page 10] and [Page 13], "VOIP" ------>"VoIP" for consistency.

-[Page 13], Section 5.3, "uses the SSRC of source to bind ": would the wording "uses the SSRC to bind" be enough?

-[Page 13], Section 5.3, "then forward"---->"then forwards"

-[Page 13], Section 5.4, please remove extra \" after "XR Block"

-[Page 15], line 3, "Section 5.1", should it say "Section 5" ?

-[Page 21], for References to ongoing drafts, please consider not pointing to specific versions if not needed, or use latest revisions:
ex:  "[QOE]", point to http://tools.ietf.org/html/draft-ietf-xrblock-rtcp-xr-qoe  (v02).
and "[MEASI]", point to http://tools.ietf.org/html/draft-ietf-xrblock-rtcp-xr-meas-identity (v09).

- Overall, suggestion:  First level headings, all words start by Caps.

Thanks,
Meral

---
Meral Shirazipour
Ericsson
Research
www.ericsson.com