Subject: [Gen-art] Gen-ART review of draft-shore-icmp-aup-06

From: "Vijay K. Gurbani" <[email-masked]>
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2013 16:53:49 -0500

I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on
Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at
<http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq>.

Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments
you may receive.

Document: draft-shore-icmp-aup-06
Reviewer: Vijay K. Gurbani
Review Date: Oct-25-2013
IETF LC End Date: Unknown
IESG Telechat date: Unknown

Major: 0
Minor: 0
Nits: 5

This document is ready as a BCP but has some nits that must be fixed.

Nits:

- S3, first paragraph: s/models after it./is modeled after it./

- S4, first paragraph could probably benefit from rewording.  For
  instance, there is an overt dependence on language like "that
  terminology" and "what they are".  I believe "that terminology"
  refers to the understanding of the community on the terms
  "management" and "control".  Similarly "what they are" refers to
  the same terms.

  My suggestion would be to rewrite the latter portion of the para-
  graph so it does not depend on "that" and "they" but instead
  identifies the subject explicitly.

- S4, third paragraph: s/telecomm/telecommunications/

  You have used "telecommunications" at other places, so it helps
  to be consistent.

  Same paragraph: it may be better to
  s/and so on./and other similar artifacts./

  "... and so on" is great for colloquial use but does not quite
  carry into a standards document, IMHO.

- S4, paragraph 5, lines 3-4: s/management message/management messages/

- S4, paragraph 6, first bullet item: s/many, many/plethora of/

  For same reasons having to do with colloquialism.

Thanks,

- vijay
-- 
Vijay K. Gurbani, Bell Laboratories, Alcatel-Lucent
1960 Lucent Lane, Rm. 9C-533, Naperville, Illinois 60563 (USA)
Email: vkg@{bell-labs.com,acm.org} / [email-masked]
Web: http://ect.bell-labs.com/who/vkg/  | Calendar: http://goo.gl/x3Ogq

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From: Melinda Shore <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2013 15:21:40 -0800

Thanks for the careful review, Vijay.  We'll get a new version
uploaded when draft submission reopens.

Melinda

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From: "Carlos Pignataro (cpignata)" <[email-masked]>
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2013 20:21:54 +0000

Vijay,

Thanks for the review!

All your suggestions to fix nits are incorporated, and we have a revision
ready to be submitted when the I-D submission tool reopens.

In the mean time, please find attached HTML diffs addressing your comments.

Thanks,

‹ Carlos.

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From: "Vijay K. Gurbani" <[email-masked]>
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2013 15:30:09 -0500

> In the mean time, please find attached HTML diffs addressing your comments.

Carlos: Works for me.  Thanks for the changes.

Cheers,

- vijay