Subject: [Gen-art] Gen-ART review of draft-ietf-netext-pd-pmip-11

From: Martin Thomson <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2013 14:54:45 -0700

I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on
Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at
<http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq>

Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments you
may receive.

Document: draft-ietf-netext-pd-pmip-11
Reviewer: Martin Thomson
Review Date: 2013-10-27
IETF LC End Date: 2013-10-31
IESG Telechat date: ?

This document is ready (PS), modulo a few niggles.

Minor issues:

Where is ALL_ZERO defined?  (Same for NON_ZERO.)  I can guess, but I
don't like doing that.

S5.3:
It's been a while since I've done DHCP, but doesn't the client use
port 68? Wouldn't that mean that the SA1(OUT) and SA2(IN) rules
require a label for both local_port and remote_port?  Or have we
started to use ephemeral ports at the client now (in which case, good,
because that port 68 thing is a major headache)?

Nits:

The overview sections don't make it easy to work out what this
document is actually defining.  It took me until 3.2.3 to be even
moderately certain what it was that this documented defined.  Is there
any way to be more specific about what extensions are being defined in
S1 or the lead-in to S3?

S1:

   "In this context, the mobility management support that
   is enabled for an individual IP host, which is the mobile node."

Seems like an unfinished sentence.  Or maybe a redundant "that".

S2:

This document really needs a f'rinstance.  It's pretty clear why this
is being done, but it's unnecessarily convoluted by a need to use the
official labels for everything.  For instance, LFN is probably just my
PC tethered to my phone (the MR).

S3.2.1:

Expand acronyms.

5.1.2:

The text around PBU is strange with regard to the lifetime of zero
conditions.  Suggest a four-way list rather than
two-way-plus-exceptions-on-each.

---

From: Carlos Jesús Bernardos Cano <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 2013 01:24:33 +0100

Dear Martin,

Thanks for your review. Please see some comments inline below.

> Where is ALL_ZERO defined?  (Same for NON_ZERO.)  I can guess, but I

[Authors] These are defined in RFC5213. We can add a explicit reference
first time we introduce these terms.

> because that port 68 thing is a major headache)?

[Authors] The client does not always use port 68. Therefore, we believe
current rule is flexible and sufficient.

> any way to be more specific about what extensions are being defined in

[Authors] We summarize what the document is defining in the
Introduction:

"   This specification defines extensions to the Proxy Mobile IPv6
   protocol for allowing mobility support to the mobile networks
   attached to a mobile router.  The mobile router can request the
   mobility entities in the Proxy Mobile IPv6 domain for one or more
   delegated IP prefixes using DHCP Prefix Delegation extensions
   [RFC3633], or through other means such as static configuration, or
   access technology specific mechanisms."

> Seems like an unfinished sentence.  Or maybe a redundant "that".

[Authors] We'll fix this in -12 (by removing "that").

> PC tethered to my phone (the MR).

[Authors] We believe it is better to use the labels for the sake of
ensuring the correctness of the text.

> Expand acronyms.

[Authors] Which acronyms are you referring to? in the text or in the
figure 2?

> two-way-plus-exceptions-on-each.

[Authors] We'll check if we can improve the readability of this section.

Thanks,

Carlos

---

From: Martin Thomson <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 2013 09:36:31 -0700

Inline.

> first time we introduce these terms.

Thanks.

> current rule is flexible and sufficient.

That's the answer I was looking for.

>    access technology specific mechanisms."

That's higher level than I was hoping for.  This says "extensions"
without specifying what those extensions are for.  It's a small thing,
but you only need to say that you define an extension parameter for
carrying prefix information in proxy binding update and proxy binding
answer messages.

> ensuring the correctness of the text.

Correctness and readability aren't mutually exclusive goals.  But it's
your document.

> [Authors] Which acronyms are you referring to? in the text or in the

The figure.