Subject: [Gen-art] review of draft-ietf-dprive-dtls-and-tls-profiles-09.txt

From: Francis Dupont <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 10 May 2017 23:38:43 +0200

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Document: draft-ietf-dprive-dtls-and-tls-profiles-09.txt
Reviewer: Francis Dupont
Review Date: 20170509
IETF LC End Date: 20170302
IESG Telechat date: 20170511

Summary: Ready

Major issues: None

Minor issues: None

Nits/editorial comments:
 I am afraid there are some abuses of not well known and not introduced
abbreviations. Unfortunately I know well the context so I had no problem
reading the document but perhaps it won't be the case for all readers
including in the intended audience... I tried to find them but likely
I missed a few.

 - ToC page 2 an 12 page 19: Acknowledgements -> Acknowledgments
 
 - 1 page 3: Intented -> intended in "Note that this document has the
      Intended status of Experimental."

 - 1 page 3: generalised -> generalized

 - 1 page 4: please expand SPKI abbrev

 - 6.1 page 10 and 6.3 page 12 ADN only: recognisable -> recognizable

 - 6.3 page 11: please expand SNI abbrev

 - 6.3 page 12 DANE and TLS entries, 11.1 page 18: e.g. -> e.g.,

 - 6.4 page 13: pleae expand HPKP abbrev (BTW it is
  HTTP Public Key Pinning cf RFC7469 (i.e.e, your reference) Figure 4,
  and it is not in RFC Editor abbrev list so expansion is required).

 -  6.5 page 13 (wording/style):
  "DNS clients issuing queries under an opportunistic profile which know
   authentication information for a given privacy-enabling DNS server
   MAY choose to try to authenticate the server using the mechanisms
   described here."

=> I suggest to add for instance an "and" before the "which" so it
becomes clear the subject of "know" is "DNS clients".

 - 6.5 page 13: authenticated, encrypted connection. ->
   authenticated and encrypted connection.

 - 9.2 page 16: another example of my concern: for me it is obvious
  then -TA means trust-anchor and -EE end-entity so the (short) text
  is enough to give a good idea of what it is about. I am not sure to
  not be an exception. Now you can answer you ask for a solid
  understanding of DANE/DANE Operations, etc, so eiher readers do not
  know the referenced documents so they should fix this, or they know
  and they should not have problems...

 - 11 page 18: i.e. -> i.e.,

I tried ispell with the British (vs standard/US) variant for English
and as I expected it gave some spelling errors too: optimize,
organizational, honor, maximizes. So I recommend to adopt for
the document US English (easier and it works better when an RFC
is cited as 99% of them are in US English). Now you do what you'd like
as soon as it is coherent in the whole document.

Thanks

[email-masked]

---

From: Alissa Cooper <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 10 May 2017 17:57:31 -0700

Francis, thanks for your review. I have ballotted yes on this document.

Alissa

> On May 10, 2017, at 2:38 PM, Francis Dupont <[email-masked]> wrote:
> 
> _______________________________________________
> Gen-art mailing list
> [email-masked]
> https://www.ietf.org/mailman/listinfo/gen-art

---

From: Sara Dickinson <[email-masked]>
Date: Thu, 11 May 2017 13:13:37 +0100

> On 10 May 2017, at 22:38, Francis Dupont <[email-masked]> wrote:
> 
> Summary: Ready
> 
> Major issues: None
> 
> Minor issues: None
> 
> Nits/editorial comments:

Hi Francis, 

Thanks for this very detailed editorial review. I agree with all of them with one update:

>      Intended status of Experimental.”

Since that document is now an RFC I think the correct term is now ‘Category’ rather than ‘Intended status’?

> as soon as it is coherent in the whole document.

I agree that choosing US English is the best solution so will do a spell check pass based on that. Entirely my fault that the British spelling crept in… 

Regards

Sara.