Subject: [HOKEY] Comments on draft-ietf-hokey-preauth-ps-09 as the document shepherd

From: Tina TSOU <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 2009 15:14:28 +0800

Hi all,
Here are my comments as the document shepherd:
=====================

Section 1 Introduction
----------------------
The second paragraph should be deleted. The contents are a combination of the 
irrelevant and the redundant. The deletion makes the reference [WCM] 
unnecessary, so that should be dropped too.

Section 2 Terminology
---------------------
The appropriate reference for the definition "Authenticator" is RFC 3748, not 
RFC 3588.

Definition "EAP Server": Suggest deleting ", using a AAA protocol to communicate 
with remote pass-through authenticators". It is not essential to the definition 
and is already well explained in section 4.

Definition "Intra-AAA-realm Handover": typo in second line: include -> includes

Definition "peer": the RFC 3748 definition talks about "the end of the link" 
that responds to the authenticator. Taking out the link part has made the 
definition ambiguous -- the peer could be the EAP Server. Suggest that the 
definition read instead: "The entity requiring authentication" and add that this 
is the same as the peer as defined by RFC 3748.

Definition "Serving Access Point": "The attachment point" -> "An attachment 
point" for consistency with other definitions.

Section 3.2  Handover Execution
-------------------------------
Spell out the first occurrences of abbreviations, so the first sentence reads: 
"Handover execution consists of setting up layer 2 (L2) and layer 3 (L3) 
connectivity with the Target Access Point (TAP).

Section 3.3.1  Context Transfer
-------------------------------
Typo: period after colon at the end of the first para.

Provide a reference for ERP (end of 7th line of paragraph after bullets).

In the 12th line of that para, delete "then", so text reads: "...key is derived 
...".

Section 3.3.2  Early Authentication
-----------------------------------
Spell out MD as "mobile device" on the fourth line. The abbreviation is 
(already) introduced more naturally in the next section, just before the figure 
in which it appears.

Break the final sentence of the first para into two at the semicolon (top of p. 8).

Section 4.  System Overview
---------------------------
3rd line: "and an one" -> "and one"

Section 5.  Topological Classification of Handover Scenarios
------------------------------------------------------------
Last sentence refers to cases 2(b) and 3. There is no explicit number 2(b) or 3 
in the preceding text. ("A third case" should be bullet 3?) Fix the references.

Aside from that, when the sentence says "the most likely cases", is that 
overall, or when the transfer is inter-technology? Please specify.

Section 6.  Models of Early Authentication
------------------------------------------
The part beginning: "Different usage models..." and carrying on through the 
three bullets is redundant. The earlier part of the first paragraph is enough of 
an intro. The equal status of all three models in the bullets is not consistent 
with the hierarchy introduced in Section 6.1 (model and sub-models), and 
discarding the bullets solves that problem at the same time that it gets rid of 
unnecessary text.

Last sentence before the Section 6.1 header: is the intention to say no direct 
L2 connectivity before handover, or no direct L2 connectivity ever?

Same sentence, "a candidate attachment point" -> "the candidate attachment 
point" to be consistent with the rest of the paragraph.

Section 6.1  EAP Pre-authentication Models
-------------------------------------------
First sentence: "In the EAP Pre-authentication model," -> "In the EAP 
pre-authentication model,".
^

Section 6.1.1  The Direct Pre-authentication Model
--------------------------------------------------
Fifth line:  "establish a direct IP communication link with them" -> " establish 
direct IP communication with them".

Same line: break the sentence at the semicolon. Begin the new sentence: "This 
model is applicable...".

B. R.
Tina
http://tinatsou.weebly.com/contact.html