Subject: [Sip] Comments and nits on draft-ietf-sip-outbound-03

From: Hans Persson <[email-masked]>
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2006 09:27:18 +0100

I sent various nits on outbound-02 a few days ago, but apparently too
late to make it into -03. I have gone through the (rather few) changes
between -02 and -03 and compared to my comments to -02. Here is an
updated list of comments and nits.

A few things that aren't clear to me:

Section 3.3, second paragraph: Shouldn't "two" on line two be "multiple"
or something like that? The rest of the paragraph talks about "two of
the physical hosts" and things like that, implying the presence of more
than two. Another option is that the text should be something like "two
logical hosts" to differentiate it from "physical hosts" later.

Section 4.3.2: The sentence starting with "For TLS protocols" should be
taken out and shot. I *think* changing "in the next hop URI MUST match
one" to "in the next hop URI matches one" is what you want.

Section 4.5, second paragraph: The base time is set to 90 seconds here,
but in the next paragraph it is 60 seconds. 

Editorial nits:

Section 1, first paragraph: Remove the "the" starting line three.
"Connection to the UA" -> "Connections to the UA".

Section 1, last paragraph: "Since," -> "Since". 
"keep alive" -> "keep-alive" (this applies to lots of places throughout
the text).

Section 2.1. "flow" definition should be "Flow".
Colon missing after outbound-proxy-set definition.

Section 3: Add comma after "redundancy".

Section 3.2, second paragraph: Add "which" after "reg-id parameter".

Section 3.3, second paragraph: "the two connection" -> "the two
connections".
fourth paragraph: Move "approach" to before the parenthesis for better
readability.

Section 3.4: It seems to be the idea that "Edge Proxy" is to be
capitalized, but starting here there are several instances where this is
not the case.

Section 3.5, "per connection" -> "per-connection".

Section 4.1, first paragraph: "cylces" -> "cycles".

Section 4.2, first paragraph: Sentence two starts with "The" but it
would be better with "This".

Section 4.3.1: "When an UA" -> "When a UA".

Section 4.3.2: "non TLS" -> "non-TLS". Remove comma after "to this IP
address". 

Section 4.4, second paragraph: "UDP based" -> "UDP-based". "TCP based" -
> "TCP-based".
Note: Insert "make" before "the keep-alive" and "upper bound" after "120
seconds".

Section 4.5, second paragraph: Insert "the" before "power of the
number".

Section 5.2, Algorithm 1: Change "This results in an approximately 16
octet identifier." to "This results in an identifier approximately 16
octets long."
Algorithm 2: "20 byte" -> "20-octet". "The concatenation of the HMAC and
S are" -> "The concatenation of the HMAC and S is". "32 octet" -> "32-
octet". 

Section 5.3, Algorithm 2: Remove the comma after "flow token" and put it
after "URI". Insert "that" after "checking".

Section 6.1, heading: "Register" -> "REGISTER".
Third paragraph: Remove the first comma.

Section 7, heading: "UAS" -> "UASs".
First paragraph: "register" -> "REGISTER".

Section 8, last-but-one paragraph: Remove duplicated and misspelled
"seams".

Section 10.1, first paragraph: Spurious space after reference.

Section 10.2, first paragraph: Ditto.

Section 10.3, Description: Change "A Registrar places this option-tag in
a Supported header to communicate to the registering User Agent the
Registrars support for this extension." to "A Registrar places this
option-tag in a Supported header to communicate the Registrar's support
for this extension to the registering User Agent."

Section 11, third paragraph: "route" -> "Route".
Fourth paragraph: "route header" -> "Route header". "path header" ->
"Path header".

Section 12, item 4: Insert "a" before "connection".

Hans

-- 
Hans Persson <[email-masked]>    Ingate - Firewalls with SIP & NAT
Ingate Systems AB  +46 13 210877   http://www.ingate.com/

Private: <[email-masked]>  http://www.lysator.liu.se/~unicorn/

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